Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Things That Are Different Once You Have More Than One Kid

After being a mom of one for nearly a decade I really didn't expect two to be that much of an astronomical difference when Thing 2 came along. I mean really, there is two of everything now. Right? I can handle that, I so innocently thought to myself.

I'd laugh at my nieve, innocent self if I didn't think I'd wet my pants. Here they are, the

Things That Are Different Once You Have More Than One Kid

Two kids now, that means two of everything ... right? Oh wrong. Wronger than wrong. Somehow that math doesn't work. I know math, I was good at it Before. That's before with a capital B because it was Before this. Before two kids. Because Before there were two kids I was good at math. I even taught it. But now that Before is gone I realize that either some magic happened or I now don't know how to multiply by two. Why you ask? Well because I am pretty damn sure that I have more than "two." Not more than two kids. I can count them easy enough. But there is definitely more than twice the work. More than twice the cleaning. Way more than twice the laundry. More than twice the kid crap. And sleep, I totally get less than an eighth of what I used to do on a bad day. Don't ask how the math works, remember I can't do it anymore because its post-Before.

Have I even looked in a mirror today? The answer is yes. I make a point of it. In fact, I panic if I haven't looked in the mirror and am leaving the house because its the fastest way to do a quick systems check. You know when NASA is preparing for a shuttle launch and the Flight Director checks that everyone is a "go" at Misson Control (think Apollo 13) prior to launch? Same thing.

Just a quick check that all systems are go for Operation Leaving the House. Shoes?

Check and check.


We're "go."



Nothing weird on the face?

We are "go" Flight.

Seriously, I do have to check. Even with checking real quick I still have the occasional panic attack that I forgot something important, like my shoes don't match or I forgot to put a shirt on. Don't judge, it may be you someday. Mirrors used to be for vanity. I wanted to look a certain way when I left the house. Now, mirrors are just my double check that I won't be arrested or make someone need therapy when I leave. Clothing is all I need to be ready. I think being able to brush my teeth and shower is for special occasions, and make up is just so I can hide the bags under my eyes.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I forget everything. I haven't left either kid anywhere yet. I haven't lost them at least. But anything and everything else? Well lets just say you would need to be a bit worried if your livelihood depended on my purse remaining safe. Who am I kidding, I don't carry a purse anymore, its a backpack-diaper-bag-emergency-supplies-case-that-also-contains-my-wallet. Last night my husband innocently asked me at about 6:30 what was for dinner. My response? "Oh, wow, I totally forgot about food today." We had bean burros.

Bladder control? Wait ... what's that? I remember back in the day ... oh about fourteen months and six days ago ... when I would have this signal travel all the way from my bladder to my brain alerting me that it had reached the critical fullness mark and needed to be emptied soon for the sake of comfort. I remember thinking "oh I hope I don't need to sneeze" because I would have to concentrate and flex really hard after Thing 1, but its not like anyone else would notice. Now? Now?! Well that sensor in my bladder, it seems that it waits a bit longer to go off because its not longer a matter of "hey you need to go when you have a sec or this could get uncomfy." No, now its more like,

Hoooooooly crap why didn't you go to the bathroom an hour ago?!? WTH made you think you should drink fluids?! You had better hope no one notices you running like someone tied your knees together to the nearest bathroom while holding your breath and praying you don't sneeze, cough, or have to speak.

It might not be the sensor, it might be that I now have about an equal ability to "hold it" as a potty training three year old -- but I have to go NOW! -- but whatever it is, its way worse after Thing 2.

Unicorns and Me Time. They are both fictitious as far as I can tell. Actually, that's not true or fair. Somewhere there is a much maligned unicorn just wishing people would see him/her for who they really are. Me time? Yeah, pure fantasy. But in reality, it was ever since Thing 1 came along so that's not new.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I love being a mom too. I am really happy. Genuinely. I even am beginning to feel like I am getting the hang of being a mom to two.

But some days I wonder if that last bit is actually me being delusional based on the lack of sleep.

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